


The Wonder of Children

by ElentariR



Series: Getting Back to Myself [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Developing Relationship, F/M, Harry Potter References, Lilo and Stitch References, Noelle - Freeform, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 21:02:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7190243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElentariR/pseuds/ElentariR
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the movie ended, Bucky could only sit in silence, frozen with emotion. It was a wonderful film, entertaining and engaging, that ripped Bucky’s heart into shreds. How the hell could a children’s movie cause such conflicted emotions in him? </p><p>Bucky discovers Harry Potter, the honesty of children, and the gut-wrenching feels of Lilo and Stitch.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Wonder of Children

**Author's Note:**

> I find that Harry Potter is a great bonding agent. 
> 
> Also, in the previous one-shot, Noelle recommends the series to Bucky.

Three weeks passed before Bucky saw Mrs. Grey. He had just exited the stairwell as they stepped out of the elevator. The three came to a standstill in the lobby. She smiled at him as she always did. “Good morning, Mr. Smith.” Steven paused mid-ramble and echoed his mother.

Part of Bucky – he wouldn’t admit how large a part – was relieved that she was still friendly after their last meeting. Guilt still plagued him, but he regretted and was embarrassed that she had glimpsed his demons. It scared him that she had been able to glimpse the monsters in the closet before they had reared their head. He made certain to keep his distance from the pair as they stood in the lobby.

Still, he couldn’t bring himself to be rude. “Good morning.”

“We’re just on our way to school.” Mrs. Grey announced. “It was nice to see you again, Mr. Smith.” She led her away, but paused and looked back at him before she pushed the door open. “If you ever read _Harry Potter_ and want to talk about it, just let me know.” The corner of her mouth tugged upwards. Bucky nodded. Mrs. Grey sent him a final wave before she and her son disappeared out the door and around the corner.

On his way back to his apartment that evening, he passed a used bookstore. Normally he passed by without a second glance, except to look for threats. This time, however, he found himself drawn in and headed towards the back of the store to the section labeled ‘children and young adult.’ There appeared to be seven of these _Harry Potter_ books. He reached out and picked up the title Mrs. Grey had been reading – the first of the series. For reasons he couldn’t fathom and did not care to explore, Bucky made the purchase.

He read it in a night.

0

It was the sunny autumn day that lured Bucky out of his apartment Sunday morning. He had found that walking helped clear his head, which he was in desperate need of. He had read through the _Harry Potter_ series in a week and had never been bored. Mrs. Grey was right – they were amazing, and startlingly relatable. The deaths of Remus Lupin and Collin Creevy were particularly devastating. He had actually torn the book in half when he read that Lupin, who he identified most strongly with, had been heartlessly murdered. He could never admit that to Mrs. Grey. She would think him a monster. And although that wouldn’t be an entirely accurate accusation, he did not want her to view him as such. He valued their infrequent and brief interactions too much. And the Dementors... Bucky knew exactly what they were like.

“Look, Mom! It’s Mr. Smith!” Bucky’s head whipped towards the sound. He had been wandering around Central Park for half an hour when he heard the voice. It was Steven Grey. The boy was holding a bat, another boy his age standing with a glove next to him. Mrs. Grey stood behind. Bucky heard her softly acknowledge her son. She smiled at Mr. Grey and sent him a nod before ushering the boys’ attention back on their game.

Bucky stopped to sit on a nearby bench. He wasn’t going to observe them, of course. But his gaze may have fallen upon them repeatedly. Really, though, he just enjoyed looking at the trees. Mrs. Grey simply happened to be in a lovely area of the park. Mrs. Grey wandered over several minutes later. The boys were engaging themselves in a rousing game of tag. “Do you mind if I join you?” Mrs. Grey asked, placing the back of her hand to her forehead. “Steven’s having a playdate with a boy from his class, and they sure know how to wear me out.”

Bucky scooted over to allow Mrs. Grey more room. “Of course.” They say in companionable silence. Bucky’s eyes continued to rove the area, but Mrs. Grey kept careful watch over the children. He soon felt an inexplicable urge to talk to the woman he found his thoughts wandering towards. “I read the _Harry Potter_ series.” She turned to him with a gasp of surprise and a wide smile.

Years later when people would ask when their friendship began, Bucky would think back to that moment. Bucky and Mrs. Grey – _Noelle_ , she insisted – discussed _Harry Potter_ for the next hour before she decided the children had enough exercise for that morning and took them home. Bucky, however, did leave the interaction with her phone number – he reluctantly returned the gesture – and a promise to continue the conversation on Saturday at Starbucks, when Steven went to his friend’s house.

It was by no means a date, and that was perfectly acceptable to both parties. Neither wanted or was looking for romance. But Bucky still found himself pacing nervously in his bedroom before he went to meet her at the coffeeshop. She hadn’t divulged her apartment number, and Bucky wouldn’t pry. He could find it with ease if he wanted to, but something held him back.

Bits of their lives were discussed between _Harry Potter_. Bucky shared about his work, and he learned that she taught Kindergarten at the nearby elementary school. She was the youngest of two girls, and her older sister also lived in New York City. Their parents lived further out on a small piece of land. They visited every couple of weeks. Bucky didn’t share about his personal life beyond work and general interests, and Noelle didn’t push for more details beyond the genre of music he liked most. In all, it was a very enjoyable morning.

Noelle was a quiet sort of woman, Bucky learned. Friendly and open. Perceptive and intuitive. Not easily riled. Most importantly, she didn’t pry; she accepted vague answers. When she occasionally asked for clarification, Bucky could tell that she was considerate of Bucky’s need for privacy and security. She didn’t try to push where she could tell he didn’t want to give. Noelle Grey was undoubtedly a Hufflepuff. She was funny, too, in her own way.

They finally parted at noon so that Noelle could run errands before picking up Steven. “Can we...” Bucky hesitated. Noelle turned around. She was almost at the door. “Could we do this again?” There wasn’t a chance she would agree, but Bucky needed to ask.

Noelle smiled. “Of course! We haven’t even discussed Snape as hero or villain. This next week is pretty busy, but I’ll let you know when I’m free and we’ll figure something out.” Bucky nearly sighed with relief.

And they met again. After their fourth book discussion, which never quite stayed on track but was enjoyable nonetheless, Noelle invited him to join her and Steven on a Friday night for dinner and a movie in her apartment. Bucky had been rendered speechless. Until that point, they had only met in populated public spaces – that first unfortunate encounter aside. Bucky didn’t think Noelle quite knew what she was offering – who she was inviting into her home. He was dangerous. But Noelle’s tentative and hopeful smile made it impossible to refuse.

He wasn’t strong enough.

He wasn't certain he wanted to be.

0

Bucky took a deep breath and raised his right hand to knock on the Grey’s apartment door. He could Steven playing not far from the door and a knife against a cutting board. He rapped on the door and took a half-step back. “Mom, he’s here!” The kid had a good set of lungs.

“Oh, thank you, Steven!” The door swung open a moment later. “James! Do come in. Supper is nearly done. You’re just in time.”

Bucky was glad he had ignored his instincts. When he showered after work and went to dress, something had told him that _before_ he would have dressed in slacks and button-up shirt, probably even a jacket. Not that he owned any of those clothes now. He had reminded himself that Noelle was not some fancy dame – she was unassuming and simplistic, in the best of ways. Instead, he opted for his best pair of blue jeans and a navy sweater he had purchased a week ago at the local thrift store. Noelle wore a similar outfit.

The layout of the Grey apartment was nearly identical to his own. The front door opened into the living room with a small dining room table that seated four. The kitchen sat off the living room and at the head of the hallway that led to the bathroom and two bedrooms. Except unlike Bucky’s spartan apartment, Noelle had tastefully decorated the space. Pictures of her family adorned the walls and the gray canvas couch sported a colorful throw blanket with matching pillows. He admired the craftsmanship of the dark wood entertainment center. A few of Steven’s toys were scattered on the floor and coffee table, but the apartment was certainly cleaner than his own. Cleaning was not a joy for him. Not that he owned much to clean.

“Hi, Mr. James!” Steven stopped running around the coffee table long enough to grin and wave at their visitor. He had a truck in each hand. It appeared they were engaged in a high speed chase.

“Hey, Steven.” Bucky gave him a small smile. Steven resumed his chase and the adults continued. “I tried to make brownies.” Bucky said as he followed her into the kitchen. Noelle glanced over her shoulder.

“Yeah? How’d they turn out?” Bucky winced. Noelle’s glance was sympathetic. “That bad, huh. Well, it happens to the best of us. You’ll get it!” Bucky didn’t tell her that he had tried to make them for her. He hadn’t had time to make a second attempt. “I hope you like lasagna. It’s my mom’s recipe, and it’s divine.”

“I do.” Bucky didn’t know if he did or not. “It smells delicious.” Noelle smiled. It looked delicious, too, as it set on the stovetop cooling. “Can I help with anything?” Noelle sent him a look that he could only describe as chastising.

“James, you are our guest.” Noelle informed him patiently as if it explained everything. “Besides, Steven has already set the table. All that’s left is for the bread to be sliced, which I’ve got covered.” She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. “If you absolutely _must_ do something, you can fetch Steven.” She grinned. “Although he’ll come begging for supper in about a minute. He’s so much like his daddy.”

“I can get him.”

Bucky glanced at the pictures on the wall as he exited the kitchen. Steven bore a striking resemblance to his father.

“Do you have a metal arm?”

Bucky looked down at Steven and glanced at his exposed left hand. He always wore long sleeves to mask as much of his metal arm as possible – gloves, too, when he could. But gloves were hardly appropriate for the occasion. He wondered that Noelle had never inquired. He knew she had noticed it.

“Yeah.” There was no point in denying it. Steven eyed Bucky’s hand curiously. Bucky could see wheels turning in his head.

“Can I touch it?”

Bucky blinked. “Sure.” He cautiously held out his left hand, nonplussed at Steven’s acceptance. He was careful to move slowly so he didn’t startle the child. He was incredibly fragile and Bucky didn’t want to risk injury. Steven slowly poked Bucky’s metal hand.

“Cool.” Steven drew out the word. “That’s awesome. Does it hurt?” Bucky shook his head.

“Not a bit.”

“Cool.” Steven wrapped his hand around Bucky’s first and second fingers and squeezed. He waggled Bucky’s fingers and giggled. He looked up at Bucky with a toothy smile. “You’re awesome.” Steven fiddled with Bucky’s hand for another second before he looked up again. Bucky towered over the child. “So what happened to your real arm?”

“Steven.” Noelle stood in the doorway of the kitchen giving her son a stern look. Steven hung his head.

“I’m sorry, Mr. James. I didn’t mean to be rude.” Steven mumbled. He glanced at his mom and then leaned closer to Bucky. He whispered, “I really like your hand. It’s really cool.” Bucky could only blink and nod. He and Noelle made eye contact. She subtly hitched a shoulder.

“I think you’re ma’s trying to tell us that it’s time for dinner.” Bucky said. The evening had already taken a turn he didn’t know how to deal with. Children were foreign to him.

“Why don’t you grab the salad from the counter, sweetie?” Noelle briefly touched Steven’s head and he ran to the kitchen with his typical energy. Noelle studied Bucky as Steven darted past her.

“It’s okay.” Bucky murmured.

“Still, I’m sorry.” Noelle said softly. Bucky hesitated. He glanced up when Steven began walking slowly out of the kitchen, his face screwed up in concentration as he held the large salad bowl in his hand. Steven hollered that he was going to get the salad dressing.

“No one...” Bucky trailed off. He looked away. There was an unfamiliar and unpleasant prickling behind his eyes. He lifted his left arm helplessly.

Noelle was silent for a moment. “Do you know part of why I love working with children?” Bucky didn’t answer, but he knew one wasn’t required. “They are incredibly innocent and honest. It’s a wonderful combination that often boggles the mind. They don’t see things the way we do. They don't judge the way adults do. And Steven has the biggest heart that I’ve ever seen.”

“Yeah.” Bucky didn’t know if he had experience with children before. He’d had a few flashes that involved a young girl called Rebecca – his younger sister, he had gathered.

Noelle smiled. “Come on. Food helps everything.”

Bucky was not an adept cook. The Soldier kept him alive with the rudimentary skills that he provided, but the Soldier was unaccustomed to modern kitchen appliances. Bucky didn’t starve. But he didn’t realize how _delicious_ food could taste until the first bite of Noelle’s lasagna met his tongue. He may have emitted an appreciative groan without intent. Thankfully Noelle was occupied with Steven, so he escaped utter embarrassment. The bread, also homemade, was wonderful.

Dinner went off without incident. Although Bucky found it increasingly difficult to not divulge his past to Noelle, dinner conversation was navigated with minimal discomfort to him. Steven was a most amusing conversationalist and Noelle was an excellent hostess. Bucky forced himself to allow himself to enjoy the sense of inclusion he felt with the Greys.

After dinner, Steven had bounded into the living room and produced a DVD from the entertainment center. _Lilo and Stitch_. Noelle laughed softly, coming up behind Bucky. “It’s one of his favorites. Have you seen it?" Bucky arched his eyebrow.

He had, of course, noticed the first time they met that Noelle stood several inches shorter than he did. He had not noticed how he had to tip his head down in order for Noelle to see the entirety of his facial expression. Somehow her quiet presence had always seemed larger, more encompassing. It was a reminder to Bucky how easily be could harm her fragile body. How dangerous he really was.

“I’ll take that as a no.” Noelle grinned. She was oblivious. “You’re in for a treat.”

Bucky followed Noelle into the living room. Steven had created a nest for himself on the floor in front of the couch, already wearing his pajamas. He had placed a pillow behind him and ensconced himself in his favorite blanket. He bounced in excitement, chattering about things that Bucky could make no sense of. Noelle curled herself into the right corner of the couch after inserting the DVD into the contraption. She flashed Bucky a smile. For a woman who smiled an awful lot, her cheer was not oppressive.

He sat carefully down, uncertain of how to behave. He had a feeling that he had seen moving pictures before, but nothing like this. Noelle watched the picture in silence, but her myriad of facial expressions told Bucky that she was paying rapt attention. Steven was a more animated viewer than his mother.

After the movie ended, Bucky could only sit in silence, frozen with emotion. It was a wonderful film, entertaining and engaging, that ripped Bucky’s heart into shreds. How the hell could a children’s movie cause such conflicted emotions in him? Stitch was too much like himself – a creature designed to kill and do evil struggling to become _good_. Except Stitch had Lilo and a happy ending. He had a family who stood by him, accepted him. Loved him. Bucky didn’t have that. His gaze shifted to Noelle. Her eyes were concerned and he knew when she glanced at her son that she was trying to determine what to say.

Maybe Noelle would be his Lilo.

But that was impossible. He didn’t deserve a Lilo, certainly not Noelle. He had committed far worse atrocities than Stitch. Bucky never felt more dirty or unworthy than he did in that moment. He felt nauseous; the urge to escape and never come back was strong. The walls seemed to close in around him.

“It’s time for bed, sweetie. Go brush your teeth.” Noelle’s voice jolted Bucky from his thoughts.

“But Mom...” Steven pleaded, giving Noelle the most pathetic expression he could muster. Noelle merely responded with a stern frown and upturned eyebrow. Steven pouted but obeyed, dragging his blanket behind him.

Noelle turned her attention to Bucky. She was silent for a moment before speaking softly. “If you ever need to talk, my ear is always open. You don’t need to bear it alone.” She reached out and placed a fleeting hand on his knee before rising. Noelle was far too perceptive.

“I should go.” Bucky muttered.

“James...” Noelle stopped herself from grabbing his arm. She cleared her throat and shook her head. “You are always welcome to join us for dinner. Perhaps next Wednesday? If you’re willing to wait until Steven goes to bed, I can introduce you to the _Harry Potter_ movies.”

Bucky looked at the ground. “I should go.” He hesitated at the door. Two heartbeats went by. “You have a beautiful home.”

And he was gone.


End file.
